I consider Vivian Leigh the most beautiful woman who ever lived in this world. Of course, apart from her undeniable beauty, there is a strong personal bias to this claim. After all, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, isn't it? In fact, I'm afraid that I don't really know a whole lot about this beautiful woman and exceptional actress. What makes her special in my heart is her passion for love and acting, the unforgettable Myra that she portrayed in "Waterloo Bridge" (I read that in her later years she once commented that that was her favorite character), and perhaps strange to many - her neurotic side, all the suffering she went through till the end of her life.
Last Mon night I watched "A Streetcar Named Desire", an old time Oscar winning film. I've heard a long while back that in this movie Vivian Leigh successfully played a neurotic middle aged woman, and won Oscar for the second time. Well since I like her so much, when I got a chance, I thought, I have to watch this.
I don't really know how to describe my feeling while watching it or after. The excellence of Leigh's performance didn't really surprise me. To me she WAS that character Blanche, and that character completely overwhelmed me. I know I'll never have the courage to watch it again. In fact, I couldn't even finish writing up a little something afterwards, it was my heart but not my hands that were trembling.
I've found that I'm a very sympathetic person, not to say I'm good in any way, but I do seem to feel intensely other people's pain, of course, mine too. This pain is even stronger when I share similar experience or state with the suffered ones. Blanche, poor, delusional Blanche, hysterical Blanche, a woman who has no hope but a vague, fractured dream that some kind of relation with a guy, sexual or marital, will save her from all the wretchedness and keep her fading beauty on a thin line. Whatever dragged her to that state did not matter, it was the state she was trapped in that stroke me hard. That despair, nervous breakdown, even the small detail of frequently seeking comfort in a hot bath, are all so familiar to me. It was so familiar that they almost evoked some kind of resonance in my heart, painful and terrifying. I guess I have not lied or kidded myself so much that I actually believed in my illusionary dreams, but there are things that I certainly didn't want to do but did anyway. I don't know what I'll become. To ease that pain one might be capable of anything, I just don't know for how long I can still hold on to myself. Honestly if I had that kind of beauty and had been able to attract attention as Blanche did, who knows what I would have done. At least Blanche had a sister that she can go to when she had nowhere else to go. Well I don't. I really don't. There might be a few noble hearts that genuinely pity you, but I'd expect a lot more disgust and taking advantage. I can't be that way, and I won't. I don't give it a damn about the so called family I sort of have, if I know I'm close to that point, I will not endure one day more.
Vivian Leigh certainly had passed her prime years of physical beauty when shooting that film, but once in a while, when she smiled, I instantly caught a glimpse of Myra, pretty, true, faithful, innocent Myra, the girl who died willingly before life could play any more evil on her. Oh that heavenly face, that flawless smile, it broke my heart, it really broke my heart.
This is my favorite aria. This is Maria Callas. This is "Andrea Chenier", Umberto Giordano. This is Madeleine. She's saying how during the French Revolution, a mob set fire to her house, and her mother died... saving her. "Look, the place that cradled me is burning." Can you hear the heartache in her voice? Can you feel it, Joe? In come the strings, and it changes everything. The music fills with a hope, and that'll change again. Listen... listen..."I bring sorrow to those who love me." Oh, that single cello! "It was during this sorrow that love came to me." A voice filled with harmony. It says, "Live still, I am life. Heaven is in your eyes. Is everything around you just the blood and mud? I am divine. I am oblivion. I am the god... that comes down from the heavens, and makes of the Earth a heaven. I am love!... I am love."
《Shooting Dogs》中Father Christopher (John Hurt) 在联合国准备遗弃在学校避难的卢旺达人后，决定不随其他白人撤离，说的一段话。在一片喧嚣中的平静和安详，那是人间最深沉的爱和信仰。很有感染力，但并非真人真事。。。
"I have to stay... You asked me Joe, where is God in everything that is happening here, in all these sufferings? I know exactly where he is. He is right here, with these people, suffering. His love is here, more intense and profound than I've ever felt. And my heart is here Joe, my soul. If I leave, I think I may not find it again. ... Find fulfillment in Everything, Joe!"
[Father, is that true? I know you believe it is true, and I am very much touched by it. But why? Babies who died in all these, what sins have they committed?]
A toast! To Emily! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride! Tell me, my dear, can a heart still be broken after it's stopped beating?
动画片的结局一般都是很美好的，坏蛋说完这句话就误喝毒酒挂掉～
另外一直很喜欢Corpse Bride里别致的婚誓～ With this hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way in darkness. With this ring, I ask you to be mine.
OK, 这个比较愤青。 Arthur "Ham" Hammond From "The Constant Gardner" "So who has got away with murder? Not, of course, the British government. They merely covered up, as one does, the offensive corpses. Though not literally. That was done by person or persons unknown. So who has committed murder? Not, of course, the highly respectable firm of KDH Pharmaceutical, which has enjoyed record profits this quarter, and has now licensed ZimbaMed of Harare, to continue testing Dypraxa in Africa. No, there are no murders in Africa. Only regrettable deaths. And from those deaths we derive the benefits of civilization, benefits we can afford so easily... because those lives were bought so cheaply. "
《基督山伯爵》 Abbe Faria: Here is your final lesson - do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. God said, "Vengeance is mine". Edmond Dantes: I don't believe in God. Abbe Faria: It doesn't matter. He believes in you.
《指环王》 经典太多，说个最让我温暖的： Sam: I cannot carry it for you, but I can carry you!
"Yes Man" kinda funny and sweet You don't think I'm scared of anything? Who do you think I am? I'm scared of a lot of things. And I'm scared too. So let's be scared together.
昨天晚上哄睡了三个宝宝。刚去的时候，手还是冰冷，弄得我实在不大敢亲近小人儿。后来有个宝宝因为爸妈刚离开开始哭闹，在护士的许可下我就抱起他边摇边哼歌，主要是红河谷，还略温习了下thank you for the music。结果太有成就感了，那小家伙真让我弄得昏昏欲睡，满足地叹了几口气就和周公的外孙去玩了。昨夜的育婴室惊人的安静，我握着手从一间转悠到另一间，来来回回估计得有二十多趟，可是基本都没听到什么声音的。偶尔有哭声，兴冲冲（我知道，我是多么得邪恶啊）凑过去，人家家人在那儿喂奶或者什么呢。于是我开始利用视觉寻找目标，发现了一个宝宝，不哭，但是皱着眉头很难受地手舞足蹈，眼睛睁得大大的，心跳接近200。宝宝好像不乐意被抱起来，我就用手轻轻地拍着她给她唱歌。她真的很乖啊，小床上都没有奶嘴（一般小孩哭一塞这个就停），我只能用手的接触来安慰她。小眉头有时候会皱起来，小嘴拟做哭状，我赶紧用另一只手轻轻抚摸她的额头。想起若干年前，有人对我说，希望可以抚平我皱起的眉头。成年人的话，是多么廉价。今天我终于做到了，为一个不相识的小小人儿，很乖很乖的小人儿，每次轻轻的轻轻的抚摸，都可以让她嫩得花瓣样的眉头更加光洁。
On what falling in love is like: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
Concerning why love happens between two particular people: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
Concerning the origins of love: "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." (Julio, 9)
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods." (Robbie, 8)
Reflections on the nature of love: "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, 8)
How do people in love typically behave? "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, 10)
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, 8)
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, 8)
What is the proper age to get married? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
When is it okay to kiss someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
How was kissing invented? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, 8)
How a person learns to kiss: "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." ( ?)
The great debate: is it better to be single or married? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
On the role of good looks in love: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning why lovers often hold hands: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
Confidential opinions about love: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you": "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)
How to make love endure: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love." (Erin, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Dave, 8)
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie, 9)
史上最动人的爱情诗篇
How do I love thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.
I've been reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, a gift from a friend of mine. I absolutely adore JR Tolkien and CS Lewis, the combination of humbleness and talent simply soothes me. If there's any book about Christianity I'm willing to start reading, one of theirs is the way to go. So for the past week or so, during my daily commuting trips, amid the often painful or angry, desperate turmoil of my thought streams about the past and future, I began to read this book bit by bit. It seems that the author was trying to reach the point of setting the religious ground by logic deduction, although frankly many of his arguments are not compelling to me. I do understand his perspective however, in fact very much so, especially considering the historic background with which the content of this book was broadcasted in Britain to people who suffered greatly from the hateful war. More than 60 years later, these words are still comforting to a lost soul such as mine.
For those interested, here is a text version of the book Mere Christianity
I have not yet finished the book, but have developed this thirst to revisit some essay by a world leading neuroscientist William Newsome. I do not know him directly, but I know quite a few people who knows him well. Of course, his work in Science is simply beautiful. I came to know that he was a Christian apart from a brain scientist many years ago, which was quite puzzling to me. Having been trained in this field for 10 years, most of my friends and colleagues are atheists. So I remembered that I dug out an essay that he wrote about Science and Faith and started reading it. But I suppose I didn't really put my heart in it or did not have the motivation to think from a different perspective, and just left things there. Now out of respect to CS Lewis, as well as my own desperate needs to search meaning and support, it's time to see what a big fellow working to understand the brain says about his thoughts on science and religion. The two points he clearly made as reconcilable tension between the two domains strike me this time, one being different methods deployed, the other being the difficult position of understanding free will from a deterministic point of view. More of the former for me, perhaps.
Another relevant talk by Francis Collins, Head of the Human Genome Project. I went to his talk with a friend on Jan 21st in fact, which was also the occasion where I got the book "Mere Christianity". I like the way Newsome delivered the points, but I think essentially they are making similar arguments. As I have been thinking since a long time ago, ultimately it is a choice we have to make ourselves. To me the current situation I'm through is so hurtful that I'm thinking how to make that choice again, or, even more seriously.
I should get back to the beloved CS Lewis. One line from his "Mere Christianity" is this: "Because free will though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having." I couldn't have agreed more. Love may be irrational, but the love I've felt out of my own choice, which is 99% of the case, have given me the greatest joy or shall I say, ecstasy in the whole world. However, due to my personal pathological condition of the incapability to control emotions in a healthy, normal way, I have deliberately banned myself from any strong feelings. I hate myself for the sorrow and rage that I constantly feel. At the same time I am afraid that if I let myself pursue the peak of a mood swing, I would only fall lower and harder in the next trough. I've been noticing that repeatedly in the past. But this state of numbness is not stable either, for I'm generally unhappy, and the slightest disturbance tends to throw me off balance, maybe not to the bottom of the abyss, but pretty awful still. I know I am sick, but to straighten myself avoiding the good things along with the bad may not be the real effective way. Perhaps it's time to allow my heart be gentle again, by starting to plainly enjoy the moments of love in life. I'm hoping some day, I will be able to love and forgive unconditionally.
I found these very cute comments about love by kids from 4-8 years old. You might be surprised to see that in the most naive and pure minds, love can be so simple yet so deep. But then when you think of it, it's not so surprising after all.
And here we go (followings are all direct quotes from the web) -
Actual Children answers to the question “What is Love”. Love according to Kids. “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy - age 4 “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologneand they go out and smell each other.” Karl - age 5 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy - age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”Terri - age 4 “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sipbefore giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny - age 7 “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily - age 8 “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby - age 7 “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka - age 6 “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle - age 7 “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still> friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6 “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”Cindy - age 8 “My mommy loves me more than anybody.You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”Clare - age 6 “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”Elaine-age 5 “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.”Chris - age 7 “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”Mary Ann - age 4 “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren - age 4 “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint hertoenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”Rebecca- age 8 “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)Karen - age 7 “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8
And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Do you know that I envy you, little wild flower? At this very moment, soundly asleep in the arms of winter, on the field that no one has set a foot, Spring wind is God's promise for ever. You will wake up with a dew, at a daybreak in the future. You will be delicate, with a sweet smell, your heart is as clean as your white shoulder. You bear no burden, owe nothing. You tremble in the golden sunlight, singing for the simplest joy in the world, just as how I felt fifteen years ago, standing on the school stairway, in a flashing moment that I can remember. I was happy then for I did something I ought to do, and I believed there would be happiness forward. Now all that's left is my envy for you, as you don't belong to God, and you don't belong to me, either. I can never see the inside of your mind, whether it exists or not. They all say that you are free, unbound to the Law. Perhaps one day, you will madly fall for a wild fire coming from afar. You throw all the nectar into your hoarse lover, arise, twined together, and turn into a weightless cloud beyond the horizon. When you come, you are not a sinner. When you leave, you are still not a sinner.
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