昨天晚上哄睡了三个宝宝。刚去的时候，手还是冰冷，弄得我实在不大敢亲近小人儿。后来有个宝宝因为爸妈刚离开开始哭闹，在护士的许可下我就抱起他边摇边哼歌，主要是红河谷，还略温习了下thank you for the music。结果太有成就感了，那小家伙真让我弄得昏昏欲睡，满足地叹了几口气就和周公的外孙去玩了。昨夜的育婴室惊人的安静，我握着手从一间转悠到另一间，来来回回估计得有二十多趟，可是基本都没听到什么声音的。偶尔有哭声，兴冲冲（我知道，我是多么得邪恶啊）凑过去，人家家人在那儿喂奶或者什么呢。于是我开始利用视觉寻找目标，发现了一个宝宝，不哭，但是皱着眉头很难受地手舞足蹈，眼睛睁得大大的，心跳接近200。宝宝好像不乐意被抱起来，我就用手轻轻地拍着她给她唱歌。她真的很乖啊，小床上都没有奶嘴（一般小孩哭一塞这个就停），我只能用手的接触来安慰她。小眉头有时候会皱起来，小嘴拟做哭状，我赶紧用另一只手轻轻抚摸她的额头。想起若干年前，有人对我说，希望可以抚平我皱起的眉头。成年人的话，是多么廉价。今天我终于做到了，为一个不相识的小小人儿，很乖很乖的小人儿，每次轻轻的轻轻的抚摸，都可以让她嫩得花瓣样的眉头更加光洁。
On what falling in love is like: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
Concerning why love happens between two particular people: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
Concerning the origins of love: "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." (Julio, 9)
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods." (Robbie, 8)
Reflections on the nature of love: "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." (Greg, 8)
How do people in love typically behave? "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, 10)
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." (Wendy, 8)
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." (Sherm, 8)
What is the proper age to get married? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" (Tom, 5)
What do most people do on a date? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
When is it okay to kiss someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
How was kissing invented? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, 8)
How a person learns to kiss: "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." ( ?)
The great debate: is it better to be single or married? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
On the role of good looks in love: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning why lovers often hold hands: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
Confidential opinions about love: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you": "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)
How to make love endure: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Dick, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love." (Erin, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Dave, 8)
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie, 9)
史上最动人的爱情诗篇
How do I love thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right. I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.
I've been reading "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis, a gift from a friend of mine. I absolutely adore JR Tolkien and CS Lewis, the combination of humbleness and talent simply soothes me. If there's any book about Christianity I'm willing to start reading, one of theirs is the way to go. So for the past week or so, during my daily commuting trips, amid the often painful or angry, desperate turmoil of my thought streams about the past and future, I began to read this book bit by bit. It seems that the author was trying to reach the point of setting the religious ground by logic deduction, although frankly many of his arguments are not compelling to me. I do understand his perspective however, in fact very much so, especially considering the historic background with which the content of this book was broadcasted in Britain to people who suffered greatly from the hateful war. More than 60 years later, these words are still comforting to a lost soul such as mine.
For those interested, here is a text version of the book Mere Christianity
I have not yet finished the book, but have developed this thirst to revisit some essay by a world leading neuroscientist William Newsome. I do not know him directly, but I know quite a few people who knows him well. Of course, his work in Science is simply beautiful. I came to know that he was a Christian apart from a brain scientist many years ago, which was quite puzzling to me. Having been trained in this field for 10 years, most of my friends and colleagues are atheists. So I remembered that I dug out an essay that he wrote about Science and Faith and started reading it. But I suppose I didn't really put my heart in it or did not have the motivation to think from a different perspective, and just left things there. Now out of respect to CS Lewis, as well as my own desperate needs to search meaning and support, it's time to see what a big fellow working to understand the brain says about his thoughts on science and religion. The two points he clearly made as reconcilable tension between the two domains strike me this time, one being different methods deployed, the other being the difficult position of understanding free will from a deterministic point of view. More of the former for me, perhaps.
Another relevant talk by Francis Collins, Head of the Human Genome Project. I went to his talk with a friend on Jan 21st in fact, which was also the occasion where I got the book "Mere Christianity". I like the way Newsome delivered the points, but I think essentially they are making similar arguments. As I have been thinking since a long time ago, ultimately it is a choice we have to make ourselves. To me the current situation I'm through is so hurtful that I'm thinking how to make that choice again, or, even more seriously.
I should get back to the beloved CS Lewis. One line from his "Mere Christianity" is this: "Because free will though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having." I couldn't have agreed more. Love may be irrational, but the love I've felt out of my own choice, which is 99% of the case, have given me the greatest joy or shall I say, ecstasy in the whole world. However, due to my personal pathological condition of the incapability to control emotions in a healthy, normal way, I have deliberately banned myself from any strong feelings. I hate myself for the sorrow and rage that I constantly feel. At the same time I am afraid that if I let myself pursue the peak of a mood swing, I would only fall lower and harder in the next trough. I've been noticing that repeatedly in the past. But this state of numbness is not stable either, for I'm generally unhappy, and the slightest disturbance tends to throw me off balance, maybe not to the bottom of the abyss, but pretty awful still. I know I am sick, but to straighten myself avoiding the good things along with the bad may not be the real effective way. Perhaps it's time to allow my heart be gentle again, by starting to plainly enjoy the moments of love in life. I'm hoping some day, I will be able to love and forgive unconditionally.
I found these very cute comments about love by kids from 4-8 years old. You might be surprised to see that in the most naive and pure minds, love can be so simple yet so deep. But then when you think of it, it's not so surprising after all.
And here we go (followings are all direct quotes from the web) -
Actual Children answers to the question “What is Love”. Love according to Kids. “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy - age 4 “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologneand they go out and smell each other.” Karl - age 5 “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy - age 6 “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”Terri - age 4 “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sipbefore giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny - age 7 “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily - age 8 “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby - age 7 “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka - age 6 “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle - age 7 “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still> friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6 “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”Cindy - age 8 “My mommy loves me more than anybody.You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”Clare - age 6 “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”Elaine-age 5 “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.”Chris - age 7 “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”Mary Ann - age 4 “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren - age 4 “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint hertoenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”Rebecca- age 8 “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)Karen - age 7 “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8
And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Do you know that I envy you, little wild flower? At this very moment, soundly asleep in the arms of winter, on the field that no one has set a foot, Spring wind is God's promise for ever. You will wake up with a dew, at a daybreak in the future. You will be delicate, with a sweet smell, your heart is as clean as your white shoulder. You bear no burden, owe nothing. You tremble in the golden sunlight, singing for the simplest joy in the world, just as how I felt fifteen years ago, standing on the school stairway, in a flashing moment that I can remember. I was happy then for I did something I ought to do, and I believed there would be happiness forward. Now all that's left is my envy for you, as you don't belong to God, and you don't belong to me, either. I can never see the inside of your mind, whether it exists or not. They all say that you are free, unbound to the Law. Perhaps one day, you will madly fall for a wild fire coming from afar. You throw all the nectar into your hoarse lover, arise, twined together, and turn into a weightless cloud beyond the horizon. When you come, you are not a sinner. When you leave, you are still not a sinner.
星期一是大年初一，勤奋忙碌永远为别人操心的朋友Y又喊上我去她家吃饭。可以自豪地说，在她家厨房，我还是能帮上点忙的。于是Y和她的女儿，还有另一个朋友一家（婆婆媳妇儿子以及和我同月同日比我小整一百岁的小女儿），再加上一个我挺讨厌的孤身老女人（OK, I know I'm mean saying that, but something about her really bugs me: she just takes all kind gestures from others for granted and acts like everyone owes her. Well, I don't like that. Anyways.）。满满一桌子菜啊，当然，在百忙的充当各种下手之间，我也整出了著名的苏式红烧肉，并获得一定好评（电炉接触不良，烧的时间太长，最后瘦肉略干，遗憾）。
The other night I had another bad dream, the end of which I fortunately could no longer recall when I woke up. In the beginning of that dream I seemed to be reliving the dreams I had for numerous times in childhood: my parents were scolding me harshly; I ran to the window and jumped. Of course we know in dreams the impossible become trivial, and we are not at all bound by physical laws as so often awkwardly in real life. Does that mean that our mind is more free than our body? I do not know. But I know in my dreams I can fly almost always. So in those dreams after I jumped out of the window I started to fly. I've become so familiarized with the surrounding buildings through the repeated virtual experiences. You see, I don't really fly like a bird in my dreams: I need to hop to the top of something of certain elevation before I lift off, and the higher I start, the freer I am of gravity. That is why I remember in particular what nearby constructions were when my mind was perhaps being fooled by rhythmic waves. An interesting detail about them is that they seemed to persist with what they looked like when I was really little, and did not change in later years when new buildings emerged one after another. With my deeply flawed ability to fly especially at takeoff, I would not have possibly been able to escape with all that crowdedness. But I have to believe that I can. Perhaps that is why my dreams refused to change with the reality. Of course, reality itself can not refuse the changes.
In the imaginative story of my dream, I this time was not a kid who spread her arms and flew away like a refugee supergirl. Instead, I transformed into a white swan, not so much more liberated from my old pathetic flying skill though. So I desperately flapped my wings and turned my head to look back. It then frightened me to see that my father had also transmuted into a big white bird, chasing after me furiously. Overwhelmed with panic, I sped up beating my wings, meanwhile fully utilizing my primate brain which apparently retained some of its sulci and gyri. After some quick reasoning, I decided to transform again into a goose, so that I can still fly high yet at the same time confuse the white bird after me. It is a bit funny that I didn't think of turning into an eagle or another raptor. But on the other hand, I know I could never be a predator, I just could not. The story line got fuzzy from that point. I vaguely remember that later I met a young girl who showed me something that revealed a terrifying truth. A father figure of hers stood by when she told me about this, and I maybe envied her for a little while because of that.
In fact, this absurd series of images is not a total surprise to me when I come to think of it. They may reflect, as it were, certain resentments that quietly grow in my heart at my father, for not having protected me even though he might have realized that I was being treated unfairly long before I did. I try hard to suppress such angers toward him or toward my mother. In fact, I don't think I consciously hate either of them. I understand that they did what they did as fellow human beings inescapable of flaws, and perhaps as a consequence of what they had been through earlier in their lives. But in the pathological mood swings of mine, those resentments stir up from time to time, even though I resent myself for holding these very grudges. A big part of the reason that I can't let go, I ratiocinate, is that I feel the urge to reconcile with them as soon as possible but just don't have the strength or courage to face them.
And there is another part of the reason. I look back and chew over flashes of my life, gradually realizing that as a matter of fact, probably not by choice, I have always been a believer. I was born to believe in something, and I did with whatever available to me that seemed most reasonable. So often I feel the yearning to follow, to please and to be devoted to something larger and greater than my own being. I believed that my parents loved me, whereas I had been an ungrateful, selfish child all along (meaning with effort, I will turn "good" and properly return their love and make them happy). I believed Science was a sacred course, for which I was willing to dedicate all my time and life. I believed in love, so I loved and gave without reservation. Sadly for me, these three things that I believed in so much fell apart one after another in front of my very own eyes. To tell the truth, I hold no, or very little grudge against all other people who might have broken my heart at some point, because they do not owe me anything and to trust them was my own choice in the first place. But parents are different. A child, from the day he/she came to this world, had no other option but to trust unconditionally their parents. One would think it horrible to use such trust for maximizing personal gain, would one not? My position is especially awkward however, as many other Chinese children who have been emotionally or physically abused perhaps to an even greater extent, since rooted in our culture is the ground rule that children must respect and obey their parents unquestioningly. Any doubt or challenge against this principle is not just frowned upon, but in fact considered a monstrous crime. The sense of shame may not only come from the outside criticisms, but also from within (which is often the more devastating one). I therefore suffer, from this constant conflict and struggle, as well as from the despair of an innate believer who has nothing to believe.
I have always been fairly lucky, however, with friendships. Over the years, joyful or painful, I met so many great friends who cared about me truly, who did not give up on me when I gave up on myself, without whom I might have not been able to live till this day. Because of that I know, if there is a God from above, He has not given up on me either. On the road ahead, I know I will always be a believer. In addition to the existence of the good side of human nature (note that this is a hazy term), I very likely will need to pick up something else more concrete to believe after serious, long contemplation. No matter what it is, I will hold it dearly and closely to my heart. I am a believer, therefore I am. Or is it I am, therefore I am a believer? I do not know. I just believe, that I am a believer.
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