Three suicides that I feel for

On April 1st, 2003, Leslie Cheung, an extremely talented and successful Chinese (Hong Kong) singer/actor jumped from the top of a building at the age of 46. I'm not sure if the public knows all the facts behind this tragedy, but it was clear that this upright, warm-hearted and hard-working man unfortunately suffered from severe depression quite a while before the incident. He did seek professional help, but in retrospect I suspect that it was the unhealthy pressure of being a top celebrity in the entertainment circle that made things worse. I don't consider myself a fan of his, but every time I think of him, of all the pains and struggles that he must have gone through, my heart aches. I also think that people who have not had similar experience cannot understand or imagine what it is like. For their sake I hope they never will. Some people are very unforgiving to those who commit suicides. But to me whereas I believe that the majority of such tragedies could have been avoided and should have been, I don't blame those who have truly suffered the living hell and done everything they could but failed to get better. For those who have gone to the other, unknown world, I feel sad and am very sympathetic. But in a way, I also see them as finally having found their relief and peace. Perhaps thoughts like this can help the living to cope with the loss.

Around 2004, I heard from part of this episode of "This American Life" the story of Brian, who had attempted many suicides since he was a teenager. He too, sought therapies of all kinds but none succeeded in getting him the will to live. Brian's friends described him as a warm, funny person, nothing close to selfish. I distinctly remember that he once told a friend (who made the radio program) that some infants just die without obvious reasons. And he perhaps was one of them in an adult's body. Perhaps about a year after leaving those audio notes, Brian took his life again at the age of 31 (or 33). When I searched the radio program online some time later and listened to the complete story, I found that Brian's mother committed suicide when he was very young. He cried over that in a shower and later could never cry again in his life. Two years after Brian's death, his brother, a successful neurosurgeon, jumped off the golden gate bridge without any warning sign. I was quite struck by these additions of the story. On one hand, I understand Brian's determination in some way. On the other hand, however, I see what an emotional blow one suicide can be to people close-by. And I remember telling my friend Dona about the story and saying that I would not do the same thing. I think this in fact is indeed one important reason that I didn't.

In perhaps the autumn of 2006, Dona told me that a friend of hers from college just committed suicide. She went to his funeral and was quite upset and sad. After graduating from Harvard, Dan went to Zimbabwe as a volunteer. Because Zimbabwe is a chloroquine resistant region, he took one of the alternative drugs intending to prevent malaria. He ended up staying there for only a few months before returning due to the ongoing wars. Back in the states, he started to develop this unbearable pain that eventually debilitated him. He went to different hospitals but no doctor could diagnose him or even identify his pain. I remember I searched the information about that medicine afterwards and it seemed that in a very small number of patients that drug does produce neurological side effects, as Dan himself suggested. I also remember Dona telling me some of the conversations between her and Dan. It was very clear to me that Dan was a respectable, righteous, idealistic person. I actually found resonance in some of his comments. Maybe he was too honorable to live without being able to function and contribute to the world as he would like to. I don't know. I wish there was another way for him. But again I don't blame him. I don't know what the other world is like, but I hope in there all the pains are released. They deserve at least that much.

Well actually I can think of more examples. But I'll stop here.