Affliction is addictive

I'm sick and tired of this. Can't read, can't focus. The ghostly past jumped into my head out of nowhere and started to haunt me over and over. I can barely talk to people, or even reply to emails. My mind is at somewhere else, or at least it wishes to be. I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere. I don't know how to live, how to love, how to go on.

Sometimes I feel like almost addicted to the pain. Luckily or unfortunately, there's no painkiller for this sort. Otherwise I'm pretty sure I'll be addicted to that as well. - I take that back. I sympathize with the addicts, faults of their own or not, chances are that it was pain that got them into the whole mess. Honestly if I had easy access to drugs, I might have fallen myself. Maybe not, I'm too proud to let myself being manipulated by ... pills or drops of liquid. Plus, I don't want to waste the money. There are always quicker ways to die and at least I can leave something to people who wish to live on, preferably children. I don't like old people. I will carry bags for an old lady and give my seat to seniors of course, but the concept just reminds me of one whose name shall not be spoken.... Well in fact, I don't really know that many old people. I literally have no memories of any of my grandparents. I wish I had known at least one of them better, longer, and that they loved me, like in a novel.

Yeah I noticed, so many "I"s, what a self-involved hag I am. Finally I'll be able to start the babyholding thing toward the end of this month. I hope I can hold them firmly and gently, and let them feel something I myself have been craving for all these years, if I can. But to be honest, I'm a little scared now. What if I see a baby going away? To a better place or not, I'm not sure if I can take it... It will be fine, it will be fine, it will be fine. You all will be fine...

OMG just checked these few sentences and found a whole bunch of typos and misplaced words. Great, now I can't even write!